random joke thread

you can add your random jokes here, pra meron tayong mini compilation.. hehe

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands! Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast Lamb." (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer
do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing! After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Filipino lady from the Visayas, stood up and said, "Aptir lass year's kampirince, I win hum(went home) and tuld dat lazy husband op mines, Pidro, dat I was tro getting his slippers, kuking his meals ol da tim, washing his undirwir and dat he was guing to hab to do dem himsilp! (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued, "Aptir da pers day, I see nating! Aptir da secun day, agin I see nating, but aptir da terd day, I could see a little bit out op my lep eye


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MEN NEVER LISTEN

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW.? warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice felling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.? Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.? A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
Pushing the ATR button.

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.? Your penis is under your pillow."


add pa ko tom / mamaya hehe..

Amo: Inday, titira dito ang biyenan ko ng 3 buwan.
Ito ang listahan ng mga favorite nyang pagkain.
Maid: Opo, sir.
Amo: Kapag may niluto ka dyan, lagot ka sa akin!

************ ********* ********* *********

Mrs: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang
tumatanda ay gumaganda?
Mr: Oo naman.
Mrs: Sa tingin mo, gumaganda ba ako?
Mr: Sa tingin ko, hindi ka tumatanda.

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Son: Itay, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko!
Dad: Bakit?
Son: Hinalikan ko po ang seatmate ko.
Dad: Tong anak ko, manang mana. Hehehe. Eh,
Son: Opo, pogi po sya eh.

********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Lasing: Hoy! Sinong matapang?! Labas!
Lalake: Ako! Bakit? Lalaban ka?!
Lasing: Pare, ihatid mo naman ako sa bahay, natatakot
ako kay misis eh.

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Husband: Hindi ako makatulog, lagi kong naiisip ang
utang ko kay pare na dalawang milyong piso.
Wife: Tawagan mo si pare, sabihin mo, hindi ka
makakabayad para sya naman ang hindi makatulog.

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3-in-1 coffee mo
at kanina ka pa silip nang silip dyan?
Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal! May nakasulat
kasi dito "Sugarfree."
GMA: Bobo! Banda yun!
********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Nakatakas si Erap, FVR at GMA sa mga terorista at nagtago sa mga sako sa isang farm.
Terorista1: Anong nakita mo dyan?
Terorista2: Mga sako lang.
Terorista1: Tingnan mo ang laman!

(Sinipa ng terorista ang unang sako)
"Meow", sabi ni FVR!
Terorista2: Pusa! Sinipa ang pangalawang sako, "Aw aw!"
sabi ni GMA!
Terorista2: Aso!
(Sinipa ang ikatlong sako... Walang tunog kaya sinipa
uli ito nang sinipa ng terorista.)
Dahil sa sakit ng sipa, napasigaw na si Erap. "Patatas!"

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Mom: baby, your good in math. Now I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!!!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it because it is. To do or not to is in the what, now or what else. Without which there never to you!"
* Senator Lito Lapid

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Killer: father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: bakit?
Killer: kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo po naniniwala ba?
Father: dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Patient: doc takot po ako sa bunot
Dentist: eto gamot pampatapang ng loob
Patient: (ininom ang gamot)
Dentist: ano matapang ka na ba?
Patient: oo doc! puta pag may gumalaw ng ngipin ko basag ang bungo!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...

WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...

Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funenaria

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

1 panget na babe, hinoholdap

Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na gamit mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: anong rape? holdap nga to eh!
Babae: wala lang! nagsusuggest lang...

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

1 lasing nasalubong ang matabang babae na may kasamang aso

Lasing: hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: aso ito hindi baboy!
Lasing: huwag ka nga sumabat! yung aso ang kausap ko!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

In a pet shop...

Customer talking to a parrot...

Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? (bad word)!!!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa rainbow mag slide-slide!!!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Bobo: pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula sa letter A
Pare: approachable?
Bobo: mali
Pare: amiable?
Bobo: mali pa rin
Pare: o sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

********* ********* ********* ********* *********

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na...ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!

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off to bed... oyasuminasai mina

hahahah grabe natatawa talaga ako d2 2wing binabasa ko..

mag contribute din ako d2 pero ndi muna ngaun